(Queer)ies The Blog is an expanded version of (Queer)ies The Column, which appears every Saturday in the Zeitgeist magazine section of the New Indian Express. If you have a question on gender, sexuality, relationships, or sexual health, you can e-mail Padma Govindan at indianqueeries@gmail.com. The column is very good, do pop in a visit. Recently, I posed a question on the column, and I got a reply which turned out to be very good advice.


My Question
The thing is, I am currently in an open relationship right now, the friends with benefits kind, and I and my partner find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends, she and I, the quintessential "Call up at 4am" kind. We understand each other very well, more than any others in our lives, including our parents, friends etc. Essentially, we turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates everyday for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We gel so well, people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other, albeit of opposing sexes. We love each other, but not in the traditional sense, rather in a 'best buds' kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another burns so much that it sometimes frightens me. We both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves to one another, we are always on the lookout for sex outside our relationship. Its all well and good, we have a nice, cozy arrangement in place.

Friends with benefits (FWB) or "hookup buddies" are friends who hook up with each other but don't have an "official" relationship.

Hooking up can include just kissing, outercourse, or even sexual intercourse. According my “friend with benefits”, Sandhya* 25, "FWB is perfect. You don't have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend griping for attention and you don't feel like you owe anyone anything." You just have sex
whenever both of you feel like doing it. Of course, its not for everyone and the arrangement doesn’t last very long, but for the select few who can handle it, this kind of relationship can be immensely satisfying.

Imagine, all the benefits......and absolutely none of the pitfalls.

My problem is, recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of a family friend (hers) who had no business poking their nose into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal and free thinking, even in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don't give a damn, really about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But my partner is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us, together, and talk things over. Guess they want to make sure I don't hurt their 'little girl' in any way. I can see that, but I am terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our 'relationship' with them. I've never met them before and quite frankly, I don't know what I can say to them.

The girl is no help here, she finds my fidgeting to be rather funny, but I know that she too, is anxious that her parents like me enough to approve our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of having a civil conversation, but the fact is, I am naturally emotionally flat when I speak to people. My partner doesn't mind this, she is one of the very few people who have learned to adjust with me, but I am concerned as to what her parents will think. Her parents live in hyderabad, they are coming down to chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. Any suggestions as to how I should go about this? I am a big fan of the "Be yourself", but I'm not entirely sure being "myself" is such a good idea here.

Ms.Padma answered...
I have to say, it’s rare for me to get letters where it truly seems like everyone involved has the best of intentions and is approaching the situation with maturity and grace. You and your partner seem to have a lot of mutual respect and her parents also appear to be willing to at least try to understand their daughter’s relationship decisions. When everyone is coming to the table as caring adults and not hysterical, judgmental harpies, then I think it’s safe to say that half the battle has already been won. Way to go, letter-writer.

That being said, you and your partner both have to acknowledge the limits of what reasonable discussion accomplish. It’s very clear from your letter that the two of you have a healthy and trusting relationship and that you figured out how to the non-exclusivity thing really well. However, it’s also natural for people who care about you both to be concerned—open relationships are not the most common romantic arrangement, and realizing that your child has a loving, romantic partnership that isn’t sexually exclusive can be a very disconcerting thing.

My advice?
I think your partner should have this pow-wow with her parents alone. As it is, they’re going to feel discombobulated and wrong-footed about the whole thing discussion, and it’s best not to add to their confusion by asking them to meet the man behind the myth before they’ve even had a chance to digest the particular ins-and-outs (so to speak) of your relationship. Also, these are her parents, not yours, and if she cares so much about their approval then she needs to take responsibility for seeing that she has it. I would also advise you two to be patient and not get your expectations too high; this kind of disclosure can take a long time to settle in, and her parents are not going to be accepting and happy-go-lucky about this after just one sit-down. Getting them to accept and approve of your relationship is going to require a whole series of conversations, and the more easygoing you both are about this, the more likely it is that the ‘rents feel reassured. I highly recommend checking out the message boards at the website Opening Up for more advice on handling families as part of an open relationship. (Opening Up is a support and resource website for people in non-monogamous relationships, run by sex columnist, writer, and sex education Tristan Taormino.)

On a final note, you mentioned that your partner’s parents found out about your relationship through nosy family friends? Do you mind my asking how exactly the family friends got in the loop? The only reason why I’m wondering is because it’s just possible your partner told them about it. If that’s the case, then I suggest have an honest conversation with her about how you’re both feeling about the non-monogamous nature of your relationship. If indeed your partner did tell them, it’s entirely possible that your she was seeking their approval or their advice, and that she might not be feeling as positive about your relationship as you do. I don’t at all doubt the sincerity of your regard for her, but it’s a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page before moving forward. Good luck, you crazy cut-ups!

My quick follow-up...

Answering to your question, the nosy person who told her parents about us was her mother’s best friend. The woman stumbled upon our relationship, literally, when she walked in on us when we were engaging in her apartment. I guess its our fault that we were so caught up to lock the front door. Anyhoo, it turns out that the woman had some misgivings with my girl because she refused to marry her son. I guess thats why she told her parents.

All’s well that ends well, eh?
Things turned out for the better after all.

The first meeting with the parents was a complete disaster. They did not like me at all, her father almost sicced his dog on me. The only reason I agreed to meet them again was she resorted to sexual blackmail (no sex if you don’t agree with the woman). No fair!

But I’m glad she got me to talk to them again. It took a lot of meetings, lunches and dinners to warm them to me a little. Surprisingly, her father has become friendly to me and has given his approval, he also doesn’t turn his dog loose one me anymore, heh! Her mother still maintains some disapproval. At least she treats me with some courtesy, even if it is somewhat icy, for the sake of her daughter. But I’m not worried, I’m positive that she too will soon approve of me.

My partner is the one most happy with the turn of events and she expresses it too….very enthusiastically.

The thing is, I am currently in an open relationship right now, you know, the non-exclusive 'Friends with benefits' pact. And I and my partner find it immensely satisfying. We are best friends, she and I, the quintessential "Call up at 4am" kind. We understand each other very well, more than anyone else who has understood us, including our parents, friends etc. Essentially, we turn to each other for anything we need, physically and emotionally. I thank the fates everyday for bringing this wonderful, beautiful woman into my life. We gel so well, people often comment that we are exact duplicates of each other in opposing sexes.

We love each other, but not in the traditional sense, rather in a 'best buds' kind of way. We enjoy our intimacy and our mutual desire for one another burns so much that it sometimes frightens me. We both have a very healthy sex drive and do not limit ourselves to one another, we are always on the lookout for sex outside our relationship. Its all well and good, we have a nice, cozy setup in place.

My problem is, recently her parents found out about this arrangement of ours, on account of her family friend who, in the first place, had no business poking into our affairs. While her parents are fairly liberal and free thinking, even in matters of love and sex, they have expressed strong misgivings about the kind of relationship their daughter and I have. Me? I don't give a damn, really, about what anyone thinks of my personal life. But the girl is very close to her parents and wants them to approve of our relationship. She has convinced her parents to have a sit-down with both of us, together, and talk things over. Guess they want to make sure I don't hurt their 'little girl' in any way.

I can see that, but I am terribly flustered at the thought of discussing our 'relationship' with them. I've never met them before and quite frankly, I don't know what I should say to them. The girl is no help here, she finds my fidgeting to be rather funny, but I know that she too, is anxious that her parents like me enough to approve our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly capable of having a civil conversation, but the fact is, I am naturally emotionally flat when I speak to people. My partner doesn't mind this, she is one of the very few people who have learned to adjust with me, but I am concerned as to what her parents will think. Her parents live in Hyderabad, they are coming down to Chennai in a couple of weeks to meet with us. I don't know how I should go about this. I am a big fan of the "Be yourself" line of thinking, but I'm not entirely sure being "myself" is such a good idea in this particular situation

yours truly, RA

Being a person possessing a mind of somewhat creative bent, notwithstanding the fact that I work in the wonderful world of Branding, I am quite peeved at myself that I didn't think of this much earlier. Last Friday, during the course of browsing the web for some creative inspiration, I came across this cracker of a post from Jane on her blog 'dearjanesample'.

Jane had this 'obvious but never realized' idea to keep track of all the brands she interacts with on a typical Friday. It is one of these ideas that every modern blogger stumbles upon and is really mad at themselves for not coming up with this on their own. In fact, this method is quite interesting to take note of all the brands you encounter on a daily basis. It is in fact, quite astonishing to see how many brands we use in the course of a typical day.

The toothbrush you use? Google? Your breakfast? The cigarettes you smoke? Your soap? Try to think of all the brands you encounter everyday. Your computer brand is quite obvious, but do not be surprised to see a staggering number of logos surrounding you that you aren't necessarily are aware of. As a matter of rule, we do tend to take a lot of things for granted when they are so deeply rooted into our subconscious.

Creating a list of logos I interacted with in a timeline was quite eye-opening since I now see what brands obviously get a lot of attention (meaning - A load of cash into their bank accounts) and it was really surprising to realize how many brands I didn’t think about at all!

This 'list' would serve as a visual representation of your typical day in 'Brand Terms'. In branding and advertising parlance, its called a Brand Timeline Portrait. I chose Saturday, the following day of reading Jane's post, and as I was creating the list it became pretty clear to me that this thing was going to take quite a bit of time (its a very long, long list of logos). But it also served as a reaffirmation of my personality traits as it does reveal a lot about me.....

A Day in Brands - My Brand Timeline Portrait
(click on the images for a larger view)














I think we can have some fun with this, I urge everyone who reads this post to draw up their OWN DAY IN BRANDS. It’s fun and who knows what will turn up?

So if you have your own blog, post your Brand Timeline Portrait and just make a link back to my story.

Not withstanding the title of this story, I am not handsome or fortunate enough to have two beautiful women fight over me. Hopefully that will change in my fast-catching-up future.

I am currently in the process of writing a novel, yeah ,yeah....I too want to have one of those 'Great Indian Novel' experiences. But I definitely am not writing about NRI's, Childhood memories, Yuppie Call Center lives or any of those novels that revolve around Cricket or Bollywood. I wanna write actual stories, you know...the good old fashioned tales that feature great characters and tremendous imagination.

The problem is, I have two stories in mind, vastly differing in subject nature, having not a shred of similarity with each other, and I find myself tearing my hair out (which is already falling in alarming clumps, thanks to the good ol' Chennai water) deciding which one to go with. And a great many random scene ideas for both stories seem to suddenly pop up in my head with no regard for my wishes whatsoever.

The Two Stories
1. Science Fiction Epic
I say Epic in the literal sense, the story will be vast, encompassing the whole of cosmos...and some more which my healthy imagination will conjure up.

2. Politico-Police Thriller
Ever since I watched the greatest and most entertaining Indian cop movie of all time, "Kaakka Kaakka", I wanted to write a story that will have character of the film's Hero, Anbuchelvan(Surya) as one of the protagonists. This story will also be a dedication of sorts to the best friend I ever had the fortune of having in my life, may she rest in peace.

Well written Science-Fiction stories always attract tremendous appreciation from everyone, not just fans of the genre. But they take a lot of research and a bloody long time to write. On the other hand, a Politico-Police Thriller set in current times, while they too require a fair amount of research, have the uncanny ability to get written in a lot lesser span of time.

I don't want anybody's opinions, views on this matter. I just wanted to put this dilemma into words so I can have a sudden stroke of decision making ability to finally settle on a topic matter and just start to fuckin' write.

I seem to be in a depressing funk these days, and that is particularly depressing for me, that I am in a depression. I haven't done anything, except lounge around and eat junk food for the past week or so, I hate I'm like this.

For a whole week, still going on, I feel rather heavy, I know I am heavy, its just, you know....you don't know? Hmph...forget it.

The point I'm so fucking pathetically trying to make is, I feel as if nothing matters anymore, I haven't worked for a week, I can't blog, I just do not have the energy to lift myself up and do something, anything. I get these 'spells of laziness' sometimes, I know it is some form of latent depression I may have, but what do you do if you cannot bring yourself to do anything about it?

This is where family or friends come in, or at least the comforting presence of a girlfriend. But I don't have that luxury either, do I? God I hate this.

Really people, some things are just too weird to figure out.

Let me just spill this out. When you got to a store and buy an item, you expect the shopkeeper to make the transaction without any fuss. It cannot be any more simpler, you pick the item(s) you want to purchase, pay the required amount, take what you bought, and leave. Tell me, what is the big deal in this ?

Don't fret, I'll get straight to the point.
This is the thing. I am a normal male of south indian origin, from Madras actually. I am 24 years old, a little bit on the shorter side, umm.....somewhat obese and i possess an attitude proportionate to my size. I have had a fairly active sex life, i've never had to try too hard to, you know....... get laid. I am not in any relationship of any kind, i just hook up with any girl i happen to like. I admit, when i first get acquainted with any girl, i look for any kind of action that i can get. What else do you expect from men my age ? I get lucky most of the time, since most of the girls i meet are the typical single-working in a big IT company-outgoing-partying-looking to have fun kind of girls. Most of the time, they are just there to unwind and party. Only very rarely does things go otherwise, and it works just fine for me.

The fact of the matter is, since i get a fairly good amount of action, i keep adequate protection with me. Now, yesterday i went to the neighborhood medical store to buy some condoms. There were just a few people before me. When my turn finally came, i went straight up to the shopkeeper and asked him for a particular brand of condoms. He had what i asked for, right there on the front shelf, it was right in front, displayed for all to see. What took me aback was that the shopkeeper kept looking at me in a disapproving way, as if i had asked him for something illegal. He was this middle aged fellow(in his 40's, i think) and he kept on shushing me. I didn't know what the hell was going on and i kept pointing to what i asked him for. To my surprise, he swatted my hand away and told me to keep quiet. He then took the pack out and gave it to me as if he was handing over drugs or something else illegal. Mind you, the whole affair had me perplexed, i didnt' know why he was behaving like this. Then it hit me, he was actually embarrassed to give me the condoms.

This is really stupid, i know. I didn't say anything, i just handed him the money and left the store. I can't help thinking about this weird episode. Everyone, i mean every sane person out there knows about safe sex, and every sane person condones the use of condoms whole heartedly. The Government is totally behind this, the government encourages people to indulge in safe sex as part of its AIDS awareness programs. Then why is this shopkeeper embarrassed to sell condoms ? Why is he such a prude, yet keeps them in his inventory ?


God only knows why.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

Two of my greatest passions are Books and Movies. I collect whatever worthwhile books I can get my hands on, and hoard them with all the possessiveness of a pit bull. And movies, need you say more, I am a movie addict. I would most definitely go nuts if I don't get to watch movies on a regular basis. My addiction for books and movies has grown to great bounds, so much so that I am in danger of needing a separate room for my collection of Books and Movies.

What the heck are you gonna do with so much stuff ???
I can hear you wondering about that. What am I going to do ?

Well, I am planning to build an extensive collection of Books and Movies, a home library of sorts. Book by Book, Disc by Disc. Soon, I would convert have a separate room, an extra one mind you, and convert it into a media room. To house each and every one of my Books and the Movies that I have.

(To be continued........on account of just realizing that I am late for a party)

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

This is part of the makeover series of posts where i thumped and puffed my chest out and announced 'I'm a Bad Boy'.

Last time was about that disgusting smoking habit that i picked up. Now, the second part is about shaping myself up. You cannot be a "Bad Boy" and taken seriously if you look like a big drum of lard (Lookee....that is exactly how i look right this minute). I was always seriously overweight, i had never been even moderately plump in my entire 23 years of existence. I can blame it on genes, or a medical condition, or any other of a thousand possible excuses that i care to put the blame on.

But, the truth is...... i am just plain lazy.


I am a lazy ass and a chronic procrastinator. This is how i had always been. Throw in a propensity to wolf down large quantities of junk food and singularly unhealthy eating habits, and there you have it..... a recipe for disaster that is bound to succeed. On top of it, my profession also contributes to my extremely sedentary lifestyle. I am a Freelance Graphic & Web Designer working out of my home office. There, now you see it. My entire lifestyle is at fault.

In the past, i had joined a couple of gyms on account of my father's insistence. But i just did not have the motivation and the sincerity to follow a dedicated weight loss regimen. I am weak willed when it comes to food and exercise. So much so that my father, a Diabetes & Cardiac Specialist Doctor (the two conditions overweight people are most susceptible to), got fed up and left me alone. Being the son of a Diabetes & Cardiac Care Specialist, i had a wealth of material available to me. Scientifically, Medically proven and tried & true information on being overweight and all the health complications it leads to. I had pages and pages of material, books, magazines, and hundreds of gigabytes of the same. I had also been given tried & tested weight loss kits designed by top medical conglomerates to help me map and schedule a working slimming regimen. But what did i do ? I kept them all aside and ignored them completely. At risk of repeating myself.....

I just did not care.

I did not see it even when my XL size clothes weren't fitting me. But then, when my work started to get affected, I realized i had to do something, i had no choice but to get my act together. I had lost a couple of projects due to me being lazy and not delivering it on time. It is then i realized that there is no other choice, but to do what i had always shirked from.

I had to go on a weight loss regimen......and stick to it.

Now, the best way to lose all that fat is to huff, puff and sweat in buckets. A Strenous aerobic activity like walking, running or aerobics is the key. Since i had become very shy to go outside in this body, i did the next best thing. I bought myself a treadmill. It is a motorized foldable model, it has the inclinations, the vibrators, the pedometers, all the works. It cost me quite a bundle, the cost of this beauty is Rs.27,000/- . I also got some Resistance bands and some free weights also, a couple of dumbells.

My father, the good doctor, has told me that he will get big ol' me a multi-station gym if i so much as use the treadmill regularly and stick to a working weight loss regimen sincerely. He assured me that he will get me the multi station if i so much as show a weight loss of at least 5KGs. Now that is a more than fair deal to get me motivated. At last, i have put together an 8 month weight loss plan to lose a target weight of 15 kilos. It is a most definite and possible target to achieve and i have promised myself a reward later on. It is always extremely hard at first, but i am willing myself to stick to my weight loss regimen. I am confident that this time around, i will succeed in what i have failed before.

I can hear you telling "Yeah right, you fat slob."
Let us wait and see.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

Hah! updating this blog is long overdue. I have been really busy for the past three weeks, and i have not had the time to write on the 'blades of kaos'. That will soon change.

Now, the following below are some of the topics that i am meaning to write on during the coming days.

1. Self Defense
2. The Shilpa Shetty Show
3. Plight of Indian Married women - Stupidity of the girl and her parents
4. Chain letters, or rather, Chain E-mails
5. The Great Indian 'Carribean World Cup Cricket' Debacle

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

Everybody sees what you seem to be;
But few see what you are.

Okay, I'll shut up about how I am not going to leave looooong intervals between posts and how I resolve to be more regular. Now, you might be wondering about the title of this post. Well, the title means exactly what it says. I'm going to transform myself into the classic 'Bad Boy' .

Hold it, I know that I am sounding like some lame character in a cheesy movie, and I know that picking up a supposedly 'Bad Habit' does not mean that I will become one. The thing is, I'm so tired of being the nice guy. All my life, I have been somewhat of a pushover, someone who will just not make a real effort to attain what he wants. Someone who does not speak up, who does not try hard enough to correct his wrongs. Lets just say that till now, I have not made a difference, for my sake, nor for anyone else's.

There is a limit to anything.
There comes a point when you say "Alright, that......is enough".

I've been an extremely lazy slob. I have neglected my responsibilities, to myself and to others. People have been put to hardship on account of my neglect. All that stops, right now. This is part of my roadmap to change myself, to make myself into a better person. An extreme makeover, if you will. But the fact of the matter is, I believe I am really more of the "Bad Boy", than the "Nice Guy". And that is how it will be.

Now, the start of the Smoking habit may seem like there is no point to it. One may think that I am somewhat influenced by the world of Movies and TV, and that I am trying to look "Cool", but that is not the case. I had deliberately started this habit first as a simple dare, then as a way to test my limits. I must say, I kind of like having a cigarette between my fingers. But I agree...... this is somewhat of a silly gesture, and in the long run, an injurious one.

It is silly, it is harmful,
But it is a start.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath
_______________________________________________________________________

"Can't you see the warning written on the cigar packet, smoking is injurious to health".
"I am a sofware engineer. I don't worry about warnings, I worry only about errors".

I hate that line above. I thought I could never "Hate" something or somebody, but I was wrong. I hate the above line and also those who utter it to the very core of my being, whoever it may be.

What is it with such people ?
Well, I can understand why they feel such an affinity for that particular phrase. Being that they lead such pathetic existences, I don't feel the need as to why such people have to inflict their sense of being rock bottom upon others. I usually don't even bother to respond to such low lifes, but when my father is a part of them, it is a bit sad. not that i am showing any partiality towards him, he is a low life too, he has always been, i have realised it only now.

Many do not realise the damage that the above phrase does to people who otherwise would go on to succeed. But then, i guess it is a part of life to overcome such deep trenches of pessimism and do what you are meant to do.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

Everyone has their own positive and negative points.This is the one thing that no one can ever deny.But people work on both sides, they are hard at work at enhancing theirpositive points and at chipping away at their negative ones. I also was not an exception, and over the years, many people have pointed out mytraits, negative ones, almost always. And I, for my part did not ever care two hoots about them. I was who I am and never did try to change anything for anybody, even for myself. You think that a person who was like this would not change, or at least, would not change just like that.
I never thought i needed to change anything about myself. That is how i had always been, and i didn't quite see any reason to be otherwise. But a few days back, i met a good friend of mine after a long time. We exchanged the usual pleasantries and then got talking about ourselves and our friends. Out of the blue, she mentioned something that got my attention. She just mentioned it off-handedly, but all the same it got me thinking.
So I took a break of a week from everything - job, friends, family. I locked myself up in my room and did nothing but think. I ventured out of the room only to eat and drink water. At the end of the week, I had made some discoveries of myself. Some discoveries that, i should say were quite surprising. Anyway, I am happy that i took this break to know myself, to know some traits of myself that I didn't know they existed. I am all the more relieved now, cause' I now know my purpose in life. I had made a solemn promise to myself and I would stick to it at all costs. Thank you.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath