I did not mention this before, to anyone.
For the last four years, I had been diagnosed with moderate-to-severe clinical depression. It was a period of darkness for me where I had to overcome my personal demons, rather it was one demon, namely ME.

My therapist has gained a rather sizable fortune from me, but I do not grudge her anything. She had worked hard for it cos' I was not an easy patient. I am extremely lazy and slow witted by nature, and my lifestyle only added to the problem immensely. Also I am not the least bit emotional by nature, I am not affected by anything. Or so I thought.

During my initial sessions with my therapist, we found out that the air of un-affectance to anything and everything around me that I projected was merely a mask I was unknowingly hiding under. Everything that happened to me had affected me on some level. I just put on a I-am-above-everything attitude. My sessions with the therapist brought forth a lot of factors which led me to depression, but there were two main reasons, which ironically were the most obvious of all - they should have been picked right away. One of them was the messy splitting up of my parents, and the subsequent leaving of my sister with my mother. And the other obvious reason was the death of a loved one.

Why did the treatment take so long ?
Well, for one thing, my yo-yo-ing with the treatment schedule wasn't helping things a bit and the absence of a support system (family, friends etc) confounded the problem. My adamant stance (it was stupid, I know), that I did not want to open up to anyone except my therapist, in spite of his literal urging and pushing meant that I denied myself probably the most effective treatment method (talking and opening up to others) for depression. I was darn stooopid, wasn't I ?

Anyhow, we tried many things to pull be out of this most damning of conditions , but nothing seemed to work. Even some of the more promising treatment methods fell flat after some time, and we were back to square one. But then, it was only four months ago that she (my therapist) suggested an experimental idea. There wasn't any guarantee that it would work, but I figured what the hell, and tried it anyway. Nothing seemed to work, why not try this also ? And the good news was, this worked for me.

What was it ? To make a long story short, my therapist suggested that we try out a treatment method with which one of her fellow therapists worked with successfully. It was not a proven treatment method, only experimental, but I told her that I would give my best. She put forth the idea that I develop a secondary personality.

to be continued...

Now that all the excitement over the passing away of Abishek R'Nath has ebbed out, it is the time to make sure that all traces of that said person is done away with.

What better occasion for that than Bhogi ?
This festival is all about getting rid of the old and ushering in the new. So, in the spirit of Bhoghi, all effects of the late Abishek has been cast out, burned, torn up, pulverized.....whatever you may call it. There is nothing that remains of the old Abishek r'Nath.

So, during this period of transition, RA has something to say - and what he said was,
"Have no fear, RA is here."

it is a God-only-knows-how-many-times used cliche, but it suits the occasion rather perfectly, don't you think ?

This is a goddamn relief, really.
Abishek R'Nath passed away on 10th January, 2008.
He was 24 years old, and is survived by no one. He wasn't anything worth mentioning, more so he was a lazy, incompetent disgrace and a burden upon this earth. He was not of any use to anyone, not even to himself and for all of his 24 years, he lived as a deadweight that needed to be cut off much earlier. No one will miss this sad piece of shit.













The funeral was held on Thursday, 10th January 2008 at 15:00
Everyone is requested not to mourn his passing, and be glad that this pitiful excuse for a human being is dead and gone. Thank you for your kind attention.

Abishek R'Nath's death comes at an opportune moment, for in his stead rises a new man, RA. You will hear more from RA in the following days to come.

This is part of the makeover series of posts where i thumped and puffed my chest out and announced 'I'm a Bad Boy'.

Last time was about that disgusting smoking habit that i picked up. Now, the second part is about shaping myself up. You cannot be a "Bad Boy" and taken seriously if you look like a big drum of lard (Lookee....that is exactly how i look right this minute). I was always seriously overweight, i had never been even moderately plump in my entire 23 years of existence. I can blame it on genes, or a medical condition, or any other of a thousand possible excuses that i care to put the blame on.

But, the truth is...... i am just plain lazy.


I am a lazy ass and a chronic procrastinator. This is how i had always been. Throw in a propensity to wolf down large quantities of junk food and singularly unhealthy eating habits, and there you have it..... a recipe for disaster that is bound to succeed. On top of it, my profession also contributes to my extremely sedentary lifestyle. I am a Freelance Graphic & Web Designer working out of my home office. There, now you see it. My entire lifestyle is at fault.

In the past, i had joined a couple of gyms on account of my father's insistence. But i just did not have the motivation and the sincerity to follow a dedicated weight loss regimen. I am weak willed when it comes to food and exercise. So much so that my father, a Diabetes & Cardiac Specialist Doctor (the two conditions overweight people are most susceptible to), got fed up and left me alone. Being the son of a Diabetes & Cardiac Care Specialist, i had a wealth of material available to me. Scientifically, Medically proven and tried & true information on being overweight and all the health complications it leads to. I had pages and pages of material, books, magazines, and hundreds of gigabytes of the same. I had also been given tried & tested weight loss kits designed by top medical conglomerates to help me map and schedule a working slimming regimen. But what did i do ? I kept them all aside and ignored them completely. At risk of repeating myself.....

I just did not care.

I did not see it even when my XL size clothes weren't fitting me. But then, when my work started to get affected, I realized i had to do something, i had no choice but to get my act together. I had lost a couple of projects due to me being lazy and not delivering it on time. It is then i realized that there is no other choice, but to do what i had always shirked from.

I had to go on a weight loss regimen......and stick to it.

Now, the best way to lose all that fat is to huff, puff and sweat in buckets. A Strenous aerobic activity like walking, running or aerobics is the key. Since i had become very shy to go outside in this body, i did the next best thing. I bought myself a treadmill. It is a motorized foldable model, it has the inclinations, the vibrators, the pedometers, all the works. It cost me quite a bundle, the cost of this beauty is Rs.27,000/- . I also got some Resistance bands and some free weights also, a couple of dumbells.

My father, the good doctor, has told me that he will get big ol' me a multi-station gym if i so much as use the treadmill regularly and stick to a working weight loss regimen sincerely. He assured me that he will get me the multi station if i so much as show a weight loss of at least 5KGs. Now that is a more than fair deal to get me motivated. At last, i have put together an 8 month weight loss plan to lose a target weight of 15 kilos. It is a most definite and possible target to achieve and i have promised myself a reward later on. It is always extremely hard at first, but i am willing myself to stick to my weight loss regimen. I am confident that this time around, i will succeed in what i have failed before.

I can hear you telling "Yeah right, you fat slob."
Let us wait and see.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath

Everybody sees what you seem to be;
But few see what you are.

Okay, I'll shut up about how I am not going to leave looooong intervals between posts and how I resolve to be more regular. Now, you might be wondering about the title of this post. Well, the title means exactly what it says. I'm going to transform myself into the classic 'Bad Boy' .

Hold it, I know that I am sounding like some lame character in a cheesy movie, and I know that picking up a supposedly 'Bad Habit' does not mean that I will become one. The thing is, I'm so tired of being the nice guy. All my life, I have been somewhat of a pushover, someone who will just not make a real effort to attain what he wants. Someone who does not speak up, who does not try hard enough to correct his wrongs. Lets just say that till now, I have not made a difference, for my sake, nor for anyone else's.

There is a limit to anything.
There comes a point when you say "Alright, that......is enough".

I've been an extremely lazy slob. I have neglected my responsibilities, to myself and to others. People have been put to hardship on account of my neglect. All that stops, right now. This is part of my roadmap to change myself, to make myself into a better person. An extreme makeover, if you will. But the fact of the matter is, I believe I am really more of the "Bad Boy", than the "Nice Guy". And that is how it will be.

Now, the start of the Smoking habit may seem like there is no point to it. One may think that I am somewhat influenced by the world of Movies and TV, and that I am trying to look "Cool", but that is not the case. I had deliberately started this habit first as a simple dare, then as a way to test my limits. I must say, I kind of like having a cigarette between my fingers. But I agree...... this is somewhat of a silly gesture, and in the long run, an injurious one.

It is silly, it is harmful,
But it is a start.

yours truly,
Ar'Nath
_______________________________________________________________________

"Can't you see the warning written on the cigar packet, smoking is injurious to health".
"I am a sofware engineer. I don't worry about warnings, I worry only about errors".